I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
