this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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