I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
