omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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