I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
