How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
