I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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