I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
