Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He shit in the fireplace
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
