Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm getting married
To pizza
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
