I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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