you traded sex for a burrito?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
