Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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