I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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