Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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