I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Semen is not good for contacts.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
