I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
