the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
