I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
