I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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