did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
