I heard we made out
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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