Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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