We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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