I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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