Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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