Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
