someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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