Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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