Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
