Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
