I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
