I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
