I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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