i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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