is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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