i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
