Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wish you could order shots online.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
