I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
worst night to have a conscience
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
