my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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