it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
