if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize