mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
