i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Your penis caused this!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
