I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
