shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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