Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
