Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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