jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
