can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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