i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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