the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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