you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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