My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My penis needs a shock collar
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
