How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
