she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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